Sunday, April 1, 2012


By Lise Horton

Are you a fan of heaving bosoms and throbbing loins? Well, then, welcome to LAST WRITER STANDING! Our premiere show of a brand new reality competition that will prove the adage – the pen IS mightier than the sword!

69 romance writers will go head to head in tonight’s season opener and by the end of our 2 hour special the judges will have awarded only 25 ladies a final place in the completion. For the next ten weeks we’ll put these gals through their paces as they work on completing an entire romance novel, before the grand three-part finale when one of the lucky authors will win cash and prizes unmatched in reality competition history!

Before we meet these lusty ladies, let’s meet our judges: You know her best as the Queen of Romance. Author of over 900 romance novels, which have been translated into 73 languages including Urdu, and with sales over 2 billion, she’s going to be one tough judge – after all these ladies might give her a run for her money! She’s Desiree DeLong!!

Our next judge scored the publishing coup of the century when she signed brand new 21 year old romance author Rosalie Randy to a six book deal that’s blown the lid off the romance industry and the first motion picture based on these hot, hot, hot books bowed to a whopping $1 billion dollar opening weekend! She’s Editor in Chief of Passion Publishing, Eudora Stella!

Judge number three earned her chair by getting into the Guinness Book of World Records by reading 729 romance novels in one year – that’s two a day, folks, except for the day after Thanksgiving when she had food poisoning because she didn’t cook the turkey long enough – I guess you should have put that book down, huh Wanda? Wanda Uberbeck, ladies and gentlemen.

And last, but certainly never least, our head judge is known the world over for his flowing locks and the pecs that launched a thousand sighs – Welcome the one, the only FABIO to our judging table!

Now without further ado, let’s meet the contestants. They come from all over the country, including Wasilla, Alaska where our contestant pens naughty stories during those long dark winter nights, except when she’s working on her Caribou farm, and all the way across the map to NYC where our Big Apple lady gets on-the-job inspiration as a Manhattan sex therapist. Ladies, come on down and take a bow.

When we come back from our first break, the judges are going to put these women through the wringer with a fifteen second lightning “elevator pitch” round. When we’re all done, there’ll be only 25 writers standing. But before we begin, they’ll get the first taste of what we’ll be throwing at them. They were told they’d have to come on the show and write an entire novel in just ten weeks, but hold the phone! Not just ANY romance novel – we’ll be giving them each a little surprise basket that contains the elements they’ll have to use! From names, physical descriptions and occupations for their characters, to a specific location, and the basic plot they have to use – it’s going to be every lady for herself!

And next week we’ll watch at the 25 will be challenged in a lightning round edit session of their first chapter, with special guest judge, Dean of Whistling Falls’ Creative Writing Department, Elvis Ostralonger, author of the seminal academic work, “The Romance Canon and Its Influence on the Supreme Court”. All on the way to our showdown finale when one lucky lady wins a ten book publishing deal, a writing room makeover by Martha, maid service once a week to make sure she’s got time to pen her torrid tales, catered meal service for a full year to keep the hubby happy, two weeks all expense paid vacation on The Love Boat (Where else?), a lifetime supply of Red Ruby Pink Champagne and Heavenly Chocolate Bon Bons, and $5 million kissable dollars!

So don’t go away.  It’s going to be a hot and bothered show tonight!

Lise Horton has found it strange that shows like Hillbilly Handfishing and American Diggers have found a home on prime time television, but no one has thought to have a reality show competition for romance writers? This post was her tongue-in-cheek answer to that oversight! Happy April Fool’s Day!


  1. What a fun post, Lise!!! Happy April Fool's Day!